Sovereignty Without Siege

When Rigorous Self-Demand Resists Being Directed

The collision between internal precision and external intrusion makes me bristle.

I live in a double bind. I mask the intrusion of external pressures and imposed expectations, yet integrity only appears when the standards are self-chosen.

At work I pushed myself harder than anyone else, entirely of my own volition. Slowly and almost imperceptibly, the directives of others began to erode my principles. After decades of it, the obelisk finally fell.

Masking had kept the structure upright far longer than it deserved. I watched others reach their own breaking points as they tried to reclaim themselves. The more they were pushed and pulled, the more they resisted, dragging their feet like children leaving a playground.

It is common among autistic people, independent temperaments, perfectionists, and anyone burned by misattuned authority. These are the ones who detest micromanagement. Creative industries are full of both the micromanagers and those who refuse to be handled.

The result is predictable. Overwork. Being taken advantage of. A reluctance to ask for help. Friction with leadership that turns hot and sharp. I felt used and depleted, shoring up other people’s structures instead of building my own.

Yet the integrity and exacting standards are a genuine strength. Work develops a depth and consistency that only appear when the drive is internal and uninterrupted.

I had always felt it, the tension between two selves. One that can do anything it chooses, and one that recoils the moment it is told. I never understood it until the tension gave way.

To others it looks like rebellion or defiance.

In truth it is the protection of coherence. It resists interference with the core of who I am.

I lost the chance to find balance before the breakdown shattered everything. As I rebuild from the rubble, I have become more discerning about which pieces deserve to be carried on the continued climb. Only the essentials for survival remain.

I no longer treat this pattern as a contradiction. It is the architecture of my coherence. When I honour it, I stay aligned. When I fight it, I fracture. Rebuilding taught me that sovereignty was never the problem. The siege was.